Beautiful Bali
- Keely Carroll
- Aug 9, 2023
- 11 min read
Updated: Apr 11, 2024
I’ve been to Bali before, but this visit would be different. Healing was at the forefront of my mind, having just left all I know behind, to find myself or perhaps rediscover who I lost – insert “She Use to be Mine” by Sara Bareilles here, minus the unwanted pregnancy and pie making waitress status. In her place a jobless, homeless, heartbroken, and complicated wreck. It was (is) beautifully messy and simultaneously ironic.
After a devastating heartbreak, which I never thought would reach me, came crashing into my world like a thunderclap and it was all very real. And as I gave my goodbyes to those that love me most (especially my dopey dog who ran after the car as I drove away) it dawned on me that I had no idea what I was doing. The girl who always has a plan, who uses spreadsheets for the most mundane things, who is as tightly wound as Monica Geller (yet so proud of it) was walking straight into the unknown just when life was bundled into a neat little package complete with the perfect bow. Yet it had been completely thrown out the window with my entire being along with it. And so, I staggered through the boarding gates and thew caution to the wind.
Arriving in Bali you are immediately struck with a musty sweet scent, rich and thick with incense and sun. It felt familiar and welcoming just like the sign my airport transfer was holding “Escape Haven”. What an unoriginal “Eat, Pray, Love” tale I had unknowingly walked right into, yet a path that I suspect the universal architects had paved years ago with fate concealed in the heavy bricks that were laid by cosmic hands and sealed with stardust and sky. Lucky me I was the main the character but feeling far from the leading lady status Kate Winslet describes in “The Holiday”. Brilliant movie, strongly recommend and you should always take the big dollop! (IYKYK). Yet, despite it all, I was (am) determined to immerse myself in the experience as much as I could – thankfully I had some normality to cling onto when, in one week, one of the golden lights of my life would arrive to help boot me onto my next destination, but not before laughing together while taking photos of me in bed as an IV Drip was administered to rehydrate my empty body after the Bali belly rite of passage was gifted to me.
As I walked into Escape Haven, a women’s only retreat, I was instantly at ease with welcoming and kind smiles and a huge embrace by the woman who I would quickly refer to as “Mumma”, otherwise known as Dessy. She had a softness and shakti about her that only a mother could carry following an intense labour which required strength you weren’t even aware your body held, a determined mind and a heart that grows beyond your wildest dreams at the sight of the human you have just bought into the world… or at least that’s what I’ve been told. Maybe one day I’ll understand these sentiments to the core, but until that time I don’t reject those that shower me with that same energy.
I’m shown to my room after a brief orientation and provided with my itinerary (notably filled with multiple massages a day) and led through the Haven – and there really is no other word for it. Inviting pools and spas, delicate decorative wooden embellishments adorning the balconies, ferns, and luscious plants with pops of pink and rich red, Balinese style umbrellas and a few women who would soon be sharing tears and vulnerability with me relaxing on sunbeds or enjoying a book taken from the mini library of the retreat. It felt relaxing, but also daunting as I realised showing vulnerability in front of others is something I have struggled deeply with for longer than I would like, and this was something I already knew was going to be required of me. Not enforced by anyone at the Haven, but something within me that knew this was the release I needed and the fear I would have to overcome to start healing. I didn’t need to look around the room to know there was a sprinkling of frangipani’s delicately placed throughout as special decorative finishes, the scent of them is enough and my nervous system immediately starts to feel at ease. Something immediately shifted in me as I sunk into the comfy mattress… I felt calmness wash over me, and it was then I knew…it would be ok.
The week that followed was filled with soul searching, healing and Balinese ceremonial experiences. From sound healing at the Pyramids of Chi, to water blessings in sacred places, letting go ceremonies on the shores of Bali beaches, to learnings on healthy eating and the amazing benefits of yoga and its origins, eating delicious organic food and yoga sessions in practice where I find myself reconnecting unexpectedly with my inner child; it is a profound experience that I haven’t fully absorbed which I think is the sign of success as my healing evolves and unfolds. The answers won’t immediately be presented to you, you must dig deeper and be willing to do the work while knowing that it will be an ongoing progress for the rest of your life. Without a doubt I will call back to my time at Escape Haven to draw on my experiences there in years to come and be exposed to new ways of utilising what I learnt in ways that I’m not even conscious to in my current era of me.
I’ve always been a little skeptical of all things within the universe; even as a spiritual being, who looks to the stars, owns oracle cards and who loves the fanciful and romanticised ideologies we all seek as humans to find purpose and direction. Spiritual healing, Santa Clause, Fairies, the second star to the left and straight on till morning, and of course if the bread is truly expired or if it is safe to just scrape that tiny dot of mould off and exclaim “She’ll be right!”. But this retreat was allowing me to submerge myself in full spirituality and consider new ways of navigating the exploration of self. One process was through an energy healing session. Yes, it sounds hokey, but it was an experience that provided me with exactly what I had been seeking through years of therapy (therapy: it’s good for you, it’s good for all. Do it. Do it even when it doesn’t provide ALL the answers).
It may have helped that Veronique from “Free Your Mind Bali” looked like my Aunt Robyn who I hold dearly as a second Mum, but perhaps it was me being willing and open to the process… after all, at this point what did I have to lose? All that was required of me was to lay on my bed, and Veronique would prompt me for answers to her questions when required. Once I responded she would vocalise a special mantra of her own, with thanks to those she was drawing energy from and then continue with asking a question; rinse, eat, sleep, repeat.
What came out was a true connection to my inner child. Little Keely in a dance class sitting on the floor of Erindale Centre in her pink leotard with her little legs out in front of her, sitting upright and flipping her feet in and out. Playful, innocent, and cheeky with a dash of shyness. I hadn’t seen her since a time before my world, and all I knew, started falling apart and self-independence was imposed upon me far too young. I have very much wept in the Barbie movie that has recently been released (as I think is the same for many people who lost their innocence, childhood, fun, and all the magic that makes up life when the realities of this Adulthood are thrust upon us) due to the artistic expression created to visualises and communicate this feeling on a scale that so many can relate and connect with. I feel there is still work to do, but the emotion of finding your younger self is truly healing, even if completely overwhelming.
A quick step hop and jump later and we were moving to a time I could first recall being unhappy. The juxtaposition was striking, scary and something I was familiar with, that I had carried with me for a long time and was exhausted by seeing. Yet seeing her through my adult eyes was heartbreaking. The security and comfort she needed was too familiar. I broke away from it quite quickly, but the session called for me to place both these eras of myself closely within my heart; and I knew I’d invite them to talk to me many times as my travels continue. Unbeknownst to me this was going to happen sooner than I expected during a yoga meditation session which took me straight to the stage where I was dancing with grace and gusto. Something I had been scared to enter back into since my back surgery changed my body forever. It was dancing. My skills in something that has been with me almost my entire life had been deeply compromised. It has felt like all my years of training to get to the level I was able to, had been completely stripped away and placed me back to the very beginning. Yet, in this moment it was calling me home.
I wonder how many people get to experience something they’ve learnt to love, something that has become a part of their identity, which they are granted the opportunity to live it over again from the very beginning and find new ways of loving it…I look forward to allowing myself to submit to the fear of judgement and thoughts of not being good enough, to allow my body to just exist within a space I adore.
One of the most intense experiences during my time at the retreat was a Balinese healing session with a Shaman. If you were to walk in midway through the session, you could be forgiven for thinking you had stumbled upon a scene from “Midsommar”… yet, far from the film and the emotions it conjures, this for me was truly soul connecting however, much like Florence Pugh depicts in the film I felt out of my depth, completely lacking control of any emotion coming to the surface – the guttural cries I was emitting was sign enough for that. Flames licking at the soles of my feet from the fire the Shaman held below me also did nothing to make me flitch – my entire being fully submitted to the experience and my heart was open for it all.
I was given a saying to repeat as the weeks go on and this was "Om Namah Shiva Ya". There are many interpretations and meanings for this chant, but in my instance it was about acknowledging happiness, and giving thanks for this to whatever greater being I believe in, if at all. I'm undecided on this as I find religion to be a very restricting institute; so, instead I put it out to the universe with love and peace. I must admit the emotions felt during the ceremony and immediately after seeming worlds away from my feelings now, but I do believe this set the tone for me to eventually find the feelings of being free during my travels that follows. Without this I feel I would have been confined by all that was sitting on Australian shores, and while I adore it all it was time to truly let it all go and give myself permission to reinvent myself, to rebuild and to find happiness again. It will take a lot of time, but I was taking the necessary and important steps to start guiding me to wherever this life is leading me.
Following this ceremony, I returned to the haven where we prepared for a cacao ceremony.
This was deeply emotional for everyone in attendance, and it was truly humbling to see so much vulnerability and kindness within our circle. The kindness I’m speaking of however, was to self. Every lady was there to explore new parts of themselves, while healing open wounds and we were all open to receive each other and provide the support we each needed to achieve our intentions. Emelie spoke wishes into our individual cacao’s in her native language of Nordic, before handing to us to consume, where we then wrote our intentions and then spoke a little of what we wanted to share. As each of us spoke we all silently raised our coconuts and drank. We proceeded to lay down and the session moved into a yin yoga session that found all of us deeply emotional with our personal release and beautifully brave in our openness for these emotions.
We found ourselves immensely tired, so following a beautiful final group dinner we all made our way to sleep. In the morning I arose to death. Bali Belly was here and there was no turning back. Horrifically it was also the day I was travelling to my hotel to meet my best mate, Lauren, for approx. 5 days of Bali fun together… this wasn’t going to go well. And it didn’t. There is no delicate way to put it… I quite literally shit my pants and vomited till there was nothing left. I even experienced a moment of duality between the two and all I could do was sit and let it happen – while the ring of fire burned just like Johnny Cash sings about, I surrendered to the exorcist attempting to evacuate my body as it ran down my front and into the toilet bowl. Lucky for Lauren, she hadn’t arrived at the scene, and once things stopped, I called on a home doctor for help and thankfully with two home visit Drs, an IVF drip administered, and a hefty amount of gastro stop and tablets to stop the vomiting I was told it should ease over the next 24hrs. I think, 6 weeks later I might still be feeling the effects of this damn thing. But I didn’t let it stop me.
Thankfully Lauren is patient and kind and was happy to go with the flow of whatever I was able to do, with no pressure to do anything I couldn’t. Everyone needs a Lauren in their life! Despite me being on deaths door (always so dramatic!) we got to experience sunsets, Monkey forests (where they loved me, then tried to kill me, then loved me, and then robbed me, and tried to kill me again!, scooter rides which may or may not have included a sneaky trio ride at one point… “Sorry Leah!”), snorkeling fun, massive swings that fly over sublime valleys and of course dips in beautiful refreshing waterfalls. We even managed to sneak in a fun night out, but I hit a wall close to midnight and called it a day. All in all, it was super special to have one of my best friends helping me to cross into the world after the last 6 months I had endured. I knew it was going to be hard, that it was going to be a continual up and down and all-around process – and no surprises here, it still is, even writing this blog two months after leaving Oz. But healing takes time, rebuilding is a process and my fragile heart and mind deserve carefulness and the feeling of being fought for and being chosen – even if it’s from myself, which is perhaps more important than someone else playing that part for me.
We reached the day of our departure and as each day crept closer my nerves heightened as it felt like my journey was now truly beginning. Perhaps this is why I wasn’t emotional or nervous at the airport when I left Sydney… but now I was singing Taytay’s lyrics as I waved goodbye to Loffy “You’re on your own Kid, you always have been”… and it was time to put on my big girl panties, bundle up my new teachings into my heart and mind for safe keeping for ongoing learning and expansion and allow the world to reveal itself to me.
Goodbye Bali and hello to the most terrifying country in the world… The USA.
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RESOURCES FOR BALI:
Escape Haven:
Free Your Mind Bali (Veronique, Energy Healing)
Instagram @freeyourmindbali
Bestie for Life:
Lauren "Loffy" - enquire within.
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